Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
