Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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