i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
