Pants 0. Shit 1.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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