oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
