I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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