Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
