I don't usually arrange sex via text message
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
