hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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