Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
