he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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