took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize