Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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