You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
