Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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