I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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