She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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