he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
