I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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