based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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