when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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