I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
