i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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