The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
