that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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