I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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