I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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