Moan for me like Helen Keller
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
