I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
