In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
