I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are the jesus of drinking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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