apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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