Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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