I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
