I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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