Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
