That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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