I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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