I just saw a hot homeless man
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
