You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
