Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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