she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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