Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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