You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
