You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
