moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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