I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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