In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
