Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
