yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
