I wish my penis had an off switch
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
