I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
